I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
