3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
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