after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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