You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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