capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
