I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
