I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
