Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
