today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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