everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
