I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
