I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
