I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
