I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
