that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
