Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
