I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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