Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
