I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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