my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
