During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Need sex. Gaining weight.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
