I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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