I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
