I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
