My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
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