i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
