I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
