I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
