Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
