Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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