D3 body, D1 cock
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Ladies don't puke and tell
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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