My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
She has the best kind of daddy issues
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
