no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
