I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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