ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
