Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
