Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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