Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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