OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize