just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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