At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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