saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
