at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
