I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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