I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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