I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
