Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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