life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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