Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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