and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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