I think I died a long time ago.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
