i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
