who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
