I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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