just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
