if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize