Im at strip club and am horny
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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