glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
they need to just BURY HIM!
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
