that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
