I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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