Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
