Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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