just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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