3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Randomize
