What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Just high enough for therapy.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
When are your genitals available?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
