Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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