ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Someone signed my nipple.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
